The words seemed to get caught in her throat the first few times we met, but today everything poured out, right alongside her tears. Maeve’s eyes softened, setting down for a moment the weight of needing to figure this all out, “It’s been a long time since I felt desire for sex,” she said. “I do it to keep my husband happy. He wants me to enjoy it too, but we both know I’m not. I don’t even know what I like anymore. Sex is far from playful. Honestly, it feels like just another box to check off my to-do list, along with college tuition bills and work tasks”. 

When it comes to sex, speaking the truth can be challenging. For many, just the thought of saying something similar to what Maeve did is scary, as if it will snowball into all sorts of negative consequences. Rumbling around underneath all of this are questions: What is wrong with me? Am I broken? 

If sex feels like an obligation, and playfulness feels as far gone as your childhood, you are not broken. But it is a sign that something in you needs compassionate attention, tending to, new perspective, nurturance. 

It is not uncommon for people to carry sexual shame into midlife, and to begin asking, “How am I this old and still didn’t know that?

Clients' eyes often widen when we explore that the sexual shame they thought was just them, is actually learned. As we peel back the layers of sexual development and story, they can see the cultural waters they swim in, that we all swim in, for what they are: the currents of silence around sex that look like receiving little to no education, a dizzying and unrelenting swirl of competing messages and shoulds, and having few or no trusted people to talk to (shame likes to live alone), be it as a teen exploring relationships for the first time or as someone married for twenty five years. It is not uncommon for people to carry sexual shame into midlife, and to begin asking, “How am I this old and still didn’t know that?” or “Why do I still feel like I’m living by somebody else’s playbook?”

But this is not the end of the story. Recognizing the problem is just the beginning, opening the possibility for something new to emerge. Giving breathing room to what weighs us down or has caused us pain creates the courageous clearing where something new can grow, ushering in a lightness of spirit. 

In a relationship or not, your sexuality is always your own and it is the natural, built in, god given source for vitality

But how? How do we, like Maeve, begin to cultivate a healthy sexuality with playfulness, connection, and pleasure in the midst of the never ending to-do’s or cultural systems that might not be changing anytime soon, in the midst of a long time relationship or with our ever changing bodies?

1. Cultivate practices that grow desire.
   ‍We have been told that desire should come naturally and spontaneously when in fact, it is very natural and normal in seasons of life to have practices that grow desire. Desire is not like a light switch that is simply on or off, or a car that is in park or drive; it is more like a fire that needs stoking and fresh oxygen. As holistic humans – having a body, a heart, a mind, and a spirit – there are so many factors that contribute to the ebbs and flows of desire. Thus, we need different things along the way. Stop comparing a former version of yourself against yourself now. Context, as Emily Nagoski highlights in the book Come As You Are, is everything! Hit the refresh button on the context of life right now and ask yourself: Where am I now? Who am I now?
   
   One way to grow desire is to make a list of things that make you feel alive and invigorated. This could be both sexual and non sexual. Then put your intention behind a few that feel interesting to you. Perhaps it’s trying something novel, a new hobby or taking those voice lessons. Maybe it’s going back to a passion you had from another season of life. Don’t overthink it, follow your appetite!
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2. Define what sexual well-being means to you from the inside out.
   In a relationship or not, your sexuality is always your own and it is the natural, built in, god given source for vitality–it is for your lifeforce! Where our attention goes, there our energy goes, so give some attention to how your values, your beliefs, what is most important to you, might inform a meaningful sexual ethic. What makes you glow? What makes your heart quicken or gives you butterflies in your stomach? If you don’t know, are you curious to find out? You are worthy of love and connection, not “when this or if that,” not when you arrive at some particular destination or shiny version of yourself, but right now. Dispel the myth that your best years are behind you! 
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3. Be pleasure ready. 

   I often ask individuals and couples what they like to do for enjoyment and I often hear “not much these days” or “it’s been a while since I/we did anything fun or took a vacation.” Play doesn’t do so well under pressure, so broaden your pleasure scope and take inventory: what ways can you practice pleasure and play each day? What do you need to be able to enter into play more fully? Maybe it's an overdue conversation to grow emotional safety and trust, maybe it's playing a game that invites you to open up to laughter and silliness, maybe it's setting an intention to flirt more or send text messages throughout the day to build loving bonds of connection and anticipation. Maybe it’s tuning into your senses to find out likes and dislikes: what do you like to see, taste, smell, hear, touch (and we have way more than just 5 senses–don’t forget that 6th sense of intuition and premonition!). The connection that is fostered through play outside the bedroom is an important ingredient to the possibility for play inside the bedroom. 

The medicine to feeling stuck is movement, the antidote is play.

The medicine to feeling stuck is movement, the antidote is play. There is no prerequisite to begin to shape a picture of sexual well-being that is created from the inside out, that invites exploration and expression of parts of you that maybe you never knew were even there. Play's great invitation is wonder, novelty, and curiosity. No one is excluded. Everyone  gets the invite.