For most of my life, my relationship with sleep was reliable and entirely undramatic. I would say that my needs were relatively low maintenance. In university, I managed for four years on a single futon in a room without curtains. After school, and in my first grown-up apartment, I levelled-up to a real mattress: a double, scored from a friend who had access to used furniture in the hotel where he worked. In fair weather, I remember opening my windows to let all the night sounds and breezes in. I had no “wind-down” routine to ease the transition from activity-filled days to a peaceful slumber. My body simply said “sleep,” and so I did.

Getting married presented the first obstacles to 27 years of easy sleeping. I imagined romantic weekend canoodling in a queen-sized bed, adorned with beautiful pillows and crisp cotton sheets. Reality also threw in different sleep schedules, an undiagnosed thyroid problem that had me emitting more radiant heat than our hard-working baseboard system and a few unfortunate elbow-to-the-forehead incidents had me rethinking the side of the bed I’d claimed as my own.

I imagined romantic weekend canoodling in a queen-sized bed, adorned with beautiful pillows and crisp cotton sheets.

In the grand scheme of things, these troubles were relatively minor, no match for the history and solid foundation that sleep and I had established. The birth of my daughters gave me renewed appreciation for nocturnal consistency. In fact, I doubled down on it — creating bedtime routines and habits that supported my need for eight quality hours of rest that took me from baby stages through to young adult. Not to brag, but I was a sleep champion. 

And then I turned 50.

Sleep and I hit a rough patch that felt both foreign and disorienting. So, I did what most women do when a relationship flounders; I called on my friends for advice and shared wisdom. Through these conversations, I developed a new appreciation for the profound impact sleep can have on our overall health and well-being. I learned that my positive sleep history is not necessarily the norm, and through the candid revelations of a few of my friends, I recognized the imperative of incorporating positive sleep habits into daily life—no matter what stage we find ourselves in.

Essential self-care 

I was surprised when Andrea told me that she gave herself the gift of a six-week sleep course for her 48^th birthday. As a full-time art educator, as well as mother to Emanuel, a remarkable 13-year-old with a rare genetic mutation that includes extreme medical needs, and 11-year-old Florian—I knew her days started early, and were physically and emotionally demanding. What I didn’t realize was how her relationship with sleep had, over the years, become a lynch pin to her self-care routine.

our situation was precarious. If I didn’t take care of myself, I wouldn’t be able to take care of Emanuel.

“Sleep has always been a priority for me, but it’s never been great. With perimenopause on the horizon, I knew my poor sleep situation would only get worse,” said Andrea during a recent phone call. “Emanuel was only five at the time and our situation was precarious. If I didn’t take care of myself, I wouldn’t be able to take care of Emanuel. It broke my heart. If we couldn’t do it…who was going to take care of my boy?” 

Andrea shared that caring for Emanuel (who is 100% dependent on her) has taught her that life doesn’t need to be complicated. Emanuel’s basic needs (healthy food, proper rest and a stress-free environment) has provided the blueprint for her own approach to self-care. She also credits Emanuel’s care team, her family doctor and naturopath with helping her find additional support when needed along the way.

The antidote for night owls

What do you do when you’re both a night owl and a nurse doing shift work? For Karen, the key has been having a sleep schedule, embracing the power of a nap and finding other sources for rest and relaxation. 

“I would say sleep is central to a lot of my thoughts,” said Karen. “I love to sleep and am very focused on the hours I get.” The downside is the guilt and regret she also feels for “staying up that extra half-hour” to satisfy her natural inclination to exercise at night or tend to her plants. 

sleep is central to a lot of my thoughts

Between wind-down reminders on her phone and a supportive husband who encourages her to keep to a sleep schedule that works for her, Karen has adapted her sleep habits in a way that has allowed her to navigate more than 15 years of nursing. It has come at a cost though—when she doesn’t get a full 8-9 hours of sleep, Karen suffers from migraines. 

Karen views naps as restorative but qualifies that she’s not a “quick napper.” Needing at least an hour means that sometimes curling up with a good book is the next best thing. “If it brings me to sleep because I’m that tired—I just go with it.”

Role modelling

With two of her three kids entering their twenties, Jaya is finding she has more autonomy and time to prioritize sleep and rest. A recent bout of Covid offered a prime example of this. “I needed to get up and be mom, but my body said no—you need to sleep.” She’s also making different choices than her mother’s generation when it comes to putting rest ahead of the demands of presenting an immaculate house, a focus that is more about keeping up with others, rather than valuing how precious downtime is being spent. Instead, Jaya prefers time in her garden where she finds rest as she waters plants, listens to bird song and chats with her neighbours.

I needed to get up and be mom, but my body said no—you need to sleep. ‍

As a Director for a community foundation, Jaya brings the same sensibilities to her work team that she practices at home. “I tell them, if you’ve had a night that you didn’t sleep well—just let us know. We have to be real with each other.”

At both home and work, Jaya values the impact of her role modelling. When needed, she has no problem being the excuse her son uses to stay in and sleep rather than go out with friends. As an extension of her work, Jaya has the opportunity to travel and influence others through speaking engagements and learning conferences. Advocating for equity, and inclusive work environments allows Jaya to help redefine “professional” expectations, including recognizing our human need for proper rest.

As for me, I’m through taking sleep for granted. 

Tonight, when my head nestles into the pillow (in a position that supports my neck) I will not begrudge the renegotiation of sleep practices that my current age requires. Instead, I will welcome it as a familiar friend that offers me nurturing, healing and strength for whatever tomorrow brings.