This article is the second article in Opal Virgo’s series on forgiveness. Read Part 1: The freedom of self-forgiveness.

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 "Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace." - Jonathan Swift
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The truth about forgiveness

Psychologists define forgiveness as "a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment and unforgiveness, or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness. Forgiveness is not merely accepting what happened or ceasing to be angry but rather, a voluntary transformation, putting aside feelings, attitudes, and behaviours that cause distress.”

Forgiveness is hard and a lot more complex than we realize. Conversations about forgiveness are never easy, as they ask us to acknowledge and address harm that’s been done. Apologizing and asking forgiveness might mean digging up old wounds (wounds we would rather keep buried). And, truth be told, many of us at times struggle to admit when we're wrong. Our brains have a way of trying to protect us from the discomfort of sitting with our own regret and guilt. It pulls us to retreat, hiding the pain in the most tender places within the heart. But  as we become honest with ourselves, and do the hard work of taking responsibility and forgiving ourselves,  we  are also better able to move toward forgiving others. Practicing honesty and accountability shifts our perspective.  

We have all also experienced hurt. When we hold onto the hurt we’ve experienced and refuse to release it,  we often find ourselves in the muddy waters of holding grudges,  resentment and bitterness. Sometimes, to forget our pain or pursue peace of mind, we run as far away as possible from the person or circumstances that hurt us. In our minds, we justify all the reasons not to forgive. 

In my work, I have often heard it said:
"You don't know how much damage their actions have caused me."
"They don't deserve my forgiveness."
"I can never forgive them.” 

Statements like these often feel deeply true and important in the moment. Of course I can’t know the depth of hurt someone has experienced. And when we’ve been wronged, considering whether someone deserves forgiveness is often an exercise in reclaiming power, agency and justice. When we’ve been badly hurt, it is healthy and good to want to protect ourselves from being hurt again. This is where healthy boundaries and choices are important so we don’t walk back into a harmful situation. Holding to that third statement, though - that we can never forgive - can actually lead us into even deeper pain. So it’s worth looking at it more closely.

When we’ve been badly hurt, it is healthy and good to want to protect ourselves from being hurt again.

Rather than thinking of forgiveness as something focused on the one who caused harm, relieving them of responsibility, we can consider reframing it as something we do for ourselves. In the opening quote, Swift urges us to forgive not for the other, because they deserve it, but for ourselves, because we deserve the rest that forgiveness brings.

Swift urges us to forgive not for the other, because they deserve it, but for ourselves, because we deserve the rest that forgiveness brings.

The interdependence of forgiveness and rest

Rest and forgiveness are intricately interdependent concepts. When we relinquish the heaviness, distress and dis-ease of unforgiveness, we open ourselves to the lightness and the rest that can be found in forgiveness. This reminds me of a story I heard growing up: 

‍A man was walking along a country road to the local market. He had a large basket with his harvest on his head, and beside him a young goat kid he intended to sell at the market. A truck heading in the direction of the market stopped, and the driver offered the man a ride in the back of his vehicle. The man gratefully accepted and sat down, still holding the basket on his head. Moreover, thinking it would be disrespectful if the goat made a mess, after tireless wrestling he settled the goat kid in as comfortable a position as possible - on his lap! In the end, although he had a ride, he arrived at his destination exhausted. The man missed an opportunity to lay down his load; to rest, lean into ease, and fully relax. 

The Oxford Dictionary defines rest as “the cessation from work to refresh oneself, restore, and recover strength.” In the context of forgiveness, I’d propose that it is quite challenging to be refreshed or to recover strength when we carry the emotional, physical and psychological burden of unforgiveness. 

Like carrying a goat kid on our lap or a heavy basket on our head, we forfeit the gift of rest when we refuse to lay down a grudge or resentment. This is the same rest we need in order to thrive, which most of us desire deeply. This is rest that frees us to be fully alive and present in our own lives. To be emotionally available for the most beautiful human interactions (with family, friends, colleagues and everyday people ). Perhaps most importantly, the rest we experience when we forgive helps us discover and deepen our capacity to heal, grow, and to love ourselves and others well. 

Perhaps most importantly, the rest we experience when we forgive helps us discover and deepen our capacity to heal, grow, and to love ourselves and others well.

The challenge with forgiveness: When love hurts 

Forgiving someone can feel unimaginable, painful, impossible. Have you ever felt that pull – the tug of war? To forgive or not to forgive? 

I want to take a moment to acknowledge the painful or even traumatic experiences that some experience in childhood. When we are hurt by the very people meant to protect and care for us in our younger years, the wounds can alter our sense of ourselves and the world around us. It makes good sense that when we see, hear about or experience such abuse, we feel confused, sad, angry, enraged. 

While we may initially refuse to forgive in order to feel in control, in reality, it often leaves us feeling like those who hurt us are now holding our happiness in their hands. To hold onto unforgiveness can become a kind of emotional torture. 

Responding to the pain

We live in a world where we all hurt and get hurt. Whether the hurt is personal or societal, individual or collective, how we respond to hurt will depend on our experiences and early interactions with loss, trust and disappointment. Some of us may tend to withdraw, lash out, get even, or choose to let go. 

Our response to pain is personal. Sometimes, we might find it easier to avoid feeling the pain, so we embrace the solace that denial provides (a way to escape the truth). Denial is a destructive yet protective strategy our brain employs to cope. An example of how it does is that we negotiate with ourselves—"no, it didn't happen, they didn't mean to, or we embellish harmful core beliefs that we somehow deserved the horrific harm.” In this way, we grieve the hurt as we would the passing of a loved one. 

Breaking generational cycles

Studies on attachment and neuroscience show that the pain and trauma we experience can run deep, even passed down from generation to generation. And a growing understanding of epigenetics is helping uncover the patterns and stories of pain and trauma buried within our cells. This awareness allows us to identify and challenge old narratives and break old patterns. 

Even as we identify deep, old hurts from previous generations, forgiveness is a key to healing and growth. It enables us to transform, begin a new thing, a new life, to embrace rest, and thrive. Conversely, unforgiveness leaves us physically and emotionally unwell, and we can become disquieted and perpetually stressed. 

Of course forgiveness remains a deeply challenging choice; it requires vulnerability, evokes difficult emotions and requires intentional work. If we’re willing, it can also be a source of deep rest and freedom.  

The value of forgiveness: what does it mean to you?

When I understand the value of forgiveness as something I do not do for the one who hurt me, but for my own soul and well-being, I can pivot and shift my perspective to meet my own needs rather than rely on the actions of another person. Forgiveness is a kind act that sends a clear message to yourself: "I love you, and I no longer neglect you." A love note to your soul that says, "You deserve to rest, to live free.” 

Of course forgiveness is also a process. It can take time and require that we make the same decision to forgive again and again. It requires self-awareness and action. Have you held on to a deep hurt you have never been able to release? Have you hurt someone in your life? What would it mean to you to experience this rest in forgiveness? 

forgiveness remains a deeply challenging choice; it requires vulnerability, evokes difficult emotions and requires intentional work. If we’re willing, it can also be a source of deep rest and freedom.

Asking for forgiveness

When we’ve wronged or harmed someone, acknowledging our part is a significant first step to healing and change. Shame can prevent us from acting since it shapes how we think, feel, and respond. Thoughts such as "I am a bad person, I'm no good at relationships" indicate shame. 

On the other hand, guilt and regret say, "I made a mistake, and I am sorry for what I did to you," moreover, "I am willing to work on changing my behaviour.” From a place of guilt (as opposed to shame), we can shift into action. Even when we believe the other person may never forgive us, to acknowledge the hurt is a way to practice empathy. It creates an opportunity for us to take responsibility for our actions. We make room within for the self and others to heal. 

It is good to know that even if the injustice happened years ago, or if we consider it too grave an offence, regardless of the circumstances, there is hope and ways to heal.  For example, when we take accountability and accept our human frailty, we truly see how our actions have impacted others. When this happens, there is potential for reciprocal healing to begin - both the self and the other benefit when we ask for or give forgiveness. 

Forgiveness in action

Let’s revisit how psychologists define forgiveness: "A conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment and unforgiveness, or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness. Forgiveness is not merely accepting what happened or ceasing to be angry but rather, a voluntary transformation, putting aside feelings, attitudes, and behaviours that cause distress.” 

When we choose forgiveness, we are no longer dominated by resentment, which frees us to rest. When we make this choice, we express compassion and generosity toward the person who hurt us - not because they deserve it, but because we deserve to be free of it. This can be especially challenging  when the offender does not admit fault; this can leave us stuck and angry. It’s important to give ourselves time and compassion as a way through the grief and anger. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it. 

Key reminders and considerations about forgiveness:

Here are some important considerations when it comes to forgiveness whether you are the offender or the one who has been harmed: 

1. Give yourself time to process grief, hurt and forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process without a timetable.
2. Talk about your experience and emotions with someone you trust, someone you've found to be wise and compassionate. Perhaps a friend, spiritual leader, mentor or a counsellor.
3. Writing in a journal, praying or engaging in guided meditation can be helpful ways to process pain and grief.
4. Forgiving does not mean forgetting; remembering can be protective. Ask yourself, "What can I learn from the experience?"
5. Practice gratitude - it has been shown to remove the bitterness and resentment of unforgiveness. 
6. If you're struggling to forgive, reflect on times when others have forgiven you. How did it make you feel?
7. Remember - forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself and others—it frees us to rest from the distress of unforgiveness.

Give yourself time to process grief, hurt and forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process without a timetable.

Forgiveness and boundaries

Each of us has a different perspective on forgiveness, shaped by our experiences and relationships. Whatever our point of view, forgiveness does not mean the offender gets a free pass, nor does it excuse their behaviour. For some people and in some circumstances, forgiveness will mean restoring the friendship. For others, it will mean closing that chapter or re-negotiating the terms of the relationship. While forgiveness is essential for our own rest and healing, reconciliation is not. Sometimes, to remain in proximity or relationship with the one who has caused harm may not be physically or emotionally safe. Author Nedra Glover Twawab in her book Set Boundaries Find Peace, shares how our feelings serve as an indicator for when to change or establish boundaries. She goes on to say that “when we don’t manage our lives, others will manage it for us.” Establishing healthy boundaries helps us take accountability for our lives.

While forgiveness is essential for our own rest and healing, reconciliation is not.

Once we’ve made the decision to forgive, it may be necessary to set new boundaries to protect ourselves and the relationship. When we set boundaries, we communicate our values and needs by establishing clear and acceptable ways for others to engage with us . I have discovered that boundaries are not just important, but are actually essential for living the life we desire. Moreover, boundaries are healthy and a great way to care for ourselves, especially when relationships become challenging to navigate. Boundaries and forgiveness go hand in hand - when we practice forgiveness and establish healthy boundaries we experience true rest. When we rest, we open ourselves to be restored, refreshed and renewed in energy. We become free to live a full and meaningful life.

When we set boundaries, we communicate our values and needs by establishing clear and acceptable ways for others to engage with us